Committment: Fear of/for the Future

I'm not one to get bogged down in the details of the future.
Exhibit A: My life.

However the spree of engagements this year that are leading to weddings next year, might finally be getting to me. IN general, I'm a bit of a commitmentphobe--not in relationships per se--but in making decisions about my future.
Exhibit B: My career.
Hmm, what career?
Exactly!

So, the five ceremonies I've already committed to attending next year aside, I'm headed to India to visit my grandparents and extended family next month. India, the land where women over 25 are considered old maids. India, the country where the worth of a woman is measured by her reproductive abilities. India, where wives who outlive their husbands have been burned for their audacity of continued existence post His absence.
Exhibit C: Cultural competency in whose shadow I'm actually a non-conformist.
You wear twinsets and finally got the Jen An haircut...um, non-conformity?
Well, in the context of being Indian...being unwed and not wanting children is pretty OUT THERE. Kinda like Aliens.

The barrage of recent couples events and the spirit of family at the holidays is making me painfully aware that I am not on the path to creating my own nuclear unit. And while my womb isn't aching, my heart is certainly starting to feel the first gurgles of trepidation at another year alone.

Last year I was well on my way to becoming Mrs. D'Souza: a woman with a Goan Catholic man of finance who didn't have to make false promsies of becoming barefoot and pregnant but did brandish a rolling pin at her pie baking best. A woman with a new puppy and a home with a live Christmas tree. A woman who didn't sleep alone or wake up lonely. A woman whose life felt complete even if she was falling apart. A woman who believed she had just gotten everything she'd ever wanted in this life.

Sadly, I'm not that woman. Gladly, I've come to terms with it. But at least that sad woman had met her goals. I'm just setting new new ones as this woman. It's all a bit disorienting and heaped in disenchantment.