Unable or Unwilling?

In my 200th post, I wanted to address an issue that continues to plague me.

I terminated, regretted, was terminated from a gut-wrenching relationship in 2005--when I say gut-wrenching I mean "shred your insides", "claw your eyeballs out", "cry till you can't breathe" gut-wrenching. I was told by all sources, trustworthy sources, that this too shall pass and I will survive. I was told I would learn lessons and move on. While all of this, I now see are true statements, none of them have really come to fruition in my life. I mean, I have survived--rather I am surviving. But I can't say I've learned a damn thing other than to be even less trusting than I used to be....and I really didn't NEED to learn that lesson. I have moved on in the sense that I date--yea, it happens: but I can't seem to open myself up again. Maybe I haven't met the right person or maybe I've shut my heart down--hyper protective mode is on!

All of this resurfaced last night at Tea. Lauren is currently living with a boyfriend who treats her and makes her feel very much like I was treated and felt in that past relationship. I found myself projecting so much onto her and into her--it was cathartic and I think it helped her. But it also made me realize that as much as I can be over it I am, but really still I'm not OVER it. I mean, I'm over him--yes. And I didn't think that day would dawn, but I still don't get what happened. I don't get why love wasn't enough. I loved him--his mind, his body, his soul...I loved him with my mind, my body, my soul and it wasn't enough. He wasn't enough. My love wasn't enough. Who even knows anymore? But I still wrestle with this. No not everyday like I used to in those first few months. No, not even every other day, but at least once a week I'll realize that till I get "closure" it won't be OVER for me.

The dilly of a pickle I find myself in is that he won't let me get this closure. I know. He's a winner. No really, he IS a winner--but we have VERY different ways of dealing with this. He's an outta sight, outta mind kinda guy--which is especially painful since we spent 9 months of our 16-month relationship apart, but I digress. How do I move on without closure? Frankly I think he's pretty happy that I'm not moving on...because I know while he's over me, he's not exactly blissfully happy in a new relationship with a shiny, happy person. I guess I'm saying, I'm past hating him--but when will I get past hating myself for having loved him?

To tie this all back to Lauren...I said something she found salient last night. Something I tell myself, chant like a mantra, when I find myself slipping into missing him mode.
"It doesn't matter if he's unwilling or unable. Stop trying to figure out which one it is. Stop alternating between making excuses for both. Because at the end of the day, whether he is unable or unwilling it's the same thing--he's not enough. Whether it is that he is not willing to be enough or not able to be enough. HE IS NOT ENOUGH. That's all there is to it. You cannot love him enough for the both of you. You cannot be selfless enough to make up for his selfishness. It's not that he doesn't love you. He doesn't love you enough. He doesn't love you more than he loves himself. That would work out if you didn't love him more than you love yourself. It can't work. The harder you love him, the more unloved you will feel."

I'm not sure a lightbulb went on for her, but this affirmation always makes me feel better. At first it was the blanket I wiped my face in as I cried myself to sleep...now it's the empowerment I feel when I look in the mirror after putting on a fresh coat of make-up. I am living, I'm surviving and one day--one day soon--I'll be thriving again.