Missed Connection

Last night after work I met Dr. Rani at Les Halles on Park for a drink. She'd been insistent that we meet sooner than later and I'd assumed she wanted to show me her ring and tell me she was engaged. I was wrong!

When she arrived, late as always, post cig smoke and rapid walking in high heels I noticed the lack of ring immediately. I waited for her to gather her wits and tell me what urgent need had brought us together.

Her boyfriend wants to have children. Their own biological children. She wants to adopt--eventually. Rani has always been one of my co-anti baby mamas and to hear her talk about going through with a C-section to give him one biological child should have made me cringe, but it did not. I always knew that the few that stood with me would falter. Except for Jo--I do not believe she will have a seismic shift into baby mama-dom--adoption, maaaaaaaaaaaaybe, but definitely no live births! So having her as a sure thing makes these inevitable blows a bit easier.

The surprising part of our reunion was that Rani wanted me to change her mind or push back or give her my blessing...I'm still wholly unclear on which of these it was but I did none. She slowly talked her way around the issue till it became clear to me that despite her claims of sabotaging pregnancy post marriage she had resigned herself to having a child because that would be a dealbreaker for this man. This man whom she loved and who had willingly given up his continent, Europe, to be with her on this continent. This man who climbed out of bed in the cold to turn off the TV (don't they have a remote?) or bring her a glass of water in bed. This man who she knew would carry the brunt of the responsibility of raising their child.

So, this is the part that confuses me...why even adopt a child if you don't want to raise it? She talked of organic daycare services that provide support for busy execs and doctor parents from age 3 months. She discussed the myriad of au pairs at your disposal if you have the money for such fineries. I was impressed with the research, but I'm still not convinced she's thought it through. In convincing herself she did manage to convince me that this was a compromise she felt comfortable making given all the compromises he had made and would continue to make. But I'm not confident that many of the beliefs she holds about the level of his involvement compared to hers will be met in 2013-4 when they have a child. Her assuredness in scheduling her C-section with a top-notch physician at 38 weeks and the specificity of clinical proceedings did not assuage my growing fear that things would not go according to the best laid plans. I didn't bite my tongue hard but I held back because I felt that deep within her caustic comments she wanted this too. She was just afraid to tell me.

While we aren't as close as we used to be, I think she still feared alienating me because of this change of heart. She was the most vociferous of us at one time. With her shiny medical pedigree and committment to women not giving birth. Her stance is one of equality which got burned by biology, and now that she's gone and fallen in love she's ready to have this baby to keep her man. I'm torn on whether I should applaud her maturity and practicality or cry for a fallen soldier.

As we walked out onto Park Avenue and she lit up, I stood beside her as I have dozens of times on a chilly evening as she puffed and I coughed, a cute half-Asian Credit Suisse banker approached her to buy a smoke. $1=1 cig. She had none. He had a strong buzz going so he kept talking to us. We humored him.

Before he could turn to me, she said, "Don't even bother asking her, she doesn't smoke."
He retorted, "I wasn't going to ask her, I was going to hit on her."
I smiled and said, "Cancer kills you know."
To which he told a tale of a recent trip to China and his faith in Eastern medicine at which point I interjected that Rani was a physician and the focus shifted from me to her. I did that. In that moment, I did it. Self-sabotage.
As he started talking to her, I felt no point in sticking around. I kissed Rani on both cheeks and stalked off.
He said, "She wasn't enjoying my story it seems."
Rani whispered, "Are you walking uptown? I'm headed that way."

She later texted me to say he'd asked her to have a drink and how weird that way. I felt myself shrug. Of course it wasn't weird, that's how flirting works.

As I stood on the 6 platform at 28th St. I regretted leaving. Why did I walk away? Here was someone engaging me...it's like a dream. Cute guy walking down Park, stops to talk to us, could have picked me up...after all Rani is taken. But, I balked. That's not like me. What happened here?