Sex Columnist: Me

Why Men Love Hummers

My mother’s ex-boyfriend drove a Hummer. He really loved his car. It was massive with sizable wheels which he frequently took off-roading on Hummer conventions. Yes. Hummer conventions are real events that Hummer owners proudly embark upon for long weekends in the wilderness. Being of the old world and not knowing any better, my mother referred to him as her “Hummer Friend”.

If you’re like my mom and completely unaware of what the term “Hummer” implies sexually, let me take this opportunity to explain. I must confess that I didn’t have the nerve to break it down for my mother so in some small way I think of this as penance for allowing her to call him her “Hummer Friend” for the rest of their dating days. The Hummer was bad enough, she couldn’t bear the conventions. I did point out to her that a man who drives a car that big must be compensating for something. Cliché, but clichés contain kernels of truth….or are those rumors?

A Hummer is what happens when a woman hums as she performs fellatio. The vibrations from her humming, though muffled, provide a heightened level of stimulation which is intended to send the man into overdrive—take him to levels of passion, previously unknown. It takes some skill to hum whilst moving your head and hand, keeping your lips loose, and breathing. Not to mention variables like foreskin, girth, and length in conjunction with your skill set.

As the adage goes, practice makes perfect. This is not bedroom behavior recommended for the novice, get good at giving head then work your way up to the hummer. If fellatio isn’t your bag, no worries there are plenty of other things you can do to keep the party going in his pants.