Alone vs. Lonely

Being an only child, I've spent a fair share of my life alone, but only recently did I experience loneliness. True, heartfelt, gut-wrenching loneliness.

You'd think as an only child I would have mastered the art of being alone or found solace in books and TV--as most of us seem to do. I always preferred the phone then the internet as means of stimulation if I couldn't have people around. I've been good at filling my life with people. But this year I realized that I've emptied my life of a great deal of filler folk. Strangely, instead of being the better for it, I'm all the lonelier.

Of course, filler does not add to quality, if anything it subtracts from it, but the filler provides much padding in the quantity dept. and variety if nothing else added an element of interesting to my life. I'd unwittingly resolved to "cut out the crap" when I rang in 2005--the problems with my then bf mitigating this circumstance--but in doing so, perhaps I've cut too far.

It's not as if I don't have friends and loved ones...I do. But for some reason, this time of year it just doesn't seem enough. Maybe I'm just greedy. Maybe I should count my blessings. Maybe this will pass...but in the meantime I am stuck in now...with how I feel...with loneliness invisbly cloaking me, choking me as I move through my life.