Losing Dad

Asha's dad died two weeks ago. He had been in and out of the hospital and at the very end, he was very tired. Her thanksgiving was spent at his bedside. As an only child, responsibility fell to her. Her mom was, understandly, grief-stricken. This is the ultimate torment of being the only offspring. Sharing good times, you can always secure someone, no matter how short-term or satiation worthless but in the bad times you realize that only does mean alone.

We're close--not best friends close, but estranged cousins close--so I wanted to be there for her. Since she lives in DC and I'm up here, that's geographically challenging.

There are no words of comfort to give someone in this situation. Coming from my fatherless state there are even fewer I felt comfortable mouthing, so I listened--as best I could. I offered prayers. I gave voice to the truth that she is his legacy, that he loved her, that little in his life gave him more pride than her being and the successes she enjoyed. None of that changes the fact that he will not see her get her MBA, walk her down the aisle or know his grandchildre. Nothing I said meant anything to me or to her...but that I was there and I meant it,I hope, meant something.

How she will live with signing the DNR or picking out the suit he wore to the funeral, I will never know. How she put his glasses on his face that one last time or that their last conversation was about how much he needed to drink the hospital milk, she will never forget. She lives, now, with the reality of a mother who is inconsolable because the man she spent forty years that Asha bucked tradition (Hindus only let men carry the body to its final place) to carry to his pyre is gone.

I don't know how any of us go on. There is no way to prepare for the inevitability of having your loved ones taken from you. Relishing your time, good and bad, is all we have--how to make that true and real every single day is a separate matter entirely. It makes me grateful that I am not spending any more time with the people thata don't matter or don't care. There is so little love in this world while we all have so much of it to give...why?

Despite all of this Asha is strong. True to her name, she has asha (faith). She's taking finals, studying to distract herself, studying to dull the ache, studying so she can live again--regain some semblance of normalcy...a life worth living.

Her belief in God, though questioning remains. You're in my thoughts and I did light that candle at church for you--for him. "May peace be with you.."