Cloaked as I was in the mid-calf, black coat with faux-fur on the cuffs and hood trimmings that my mom surprised me with this weekend, a somber mood overtook me.
I was reading voraciously "The Improvised Woman" which was in the book bounty Tracey bequeathed me for my birthday--thinking how much I admire Marcelle Clements feminist choice on a woman's desire for permanent single life--when a sense of sheer exhaustion washed over me. For the first time in my life I felt utterly jaded.
Here I was nodding furiously in assent to this woman's choice, the silent version of a black church full of militant women shouting "Amen, sister!", yet I was not living these words. Regularly subtracting from my choice to be single is the bitter realization that I'm too pro-active to WAIT for Mr. Right. My eyes are reflexively searching the subway, the street vendor stands, the bookstores, and coffee shops for him--I'm operating on auto pilot. It's jarring to come to this cognitive dissonance on the 2 train at rush hour; the teeming masses are sensory overload enough.
When I take an honest minute to examine my life...I count the blessings: the great, supportive, loving mom; more than a dozen friends, I'm just lucky enough to have without deserving; the perfect ex-boyfriend, who calls instinctively when I have a bad day; my health, this great new job, I haven't earned, etc..
Yet, it always comes back to the one thing I don't have that I want more than my next Big Gulp spiked with Puerto-Rican rum--that tingly loving feeling as my eyes close and my head tilts upwards, awaiting the sweet lips of the man I love more than myself as he breathes into me his longing...
Realizing you're just as hopeless as everyone else: Humbling!
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16 comments:
Touching moments, to be sure. Join the club. The combined romantic musings of this city, if converted to electrical impulses, could light up--well, an entire city. Everyone wants love.
But I have to call you on the steadily increasing convolution in your prose. Some of these sentences can barely be parsed. Your vocabulary is getting the better of you. Say it simply! Use restraint, Curry/Rice girl!
p.s. Question: This was the first time in your life you felt "utterly jaded"? oh man oh man oh man
p.s. as you know by now, I am the most extremely *opinionated* member of your audience.
If there were more people posting comments, I am sure they would rein me in. External restraint is good for character: I don't mind being frowned on for my blunt, grouchy way of speaking. I still have to "call 'em as I see 'em".
Anyway, while I may offer plenty of negative comments, I vow to offer positive ones as well. After all, you are host and I am guest. I'll try to strike a better balance.
signed,
Cruel but Fair
(my new nick for your site)
Fairly Cruel,
You are entitled to your opinions, just as I am to ignore them--as I oft choose. While, I appreciate your constructive criticism I have learned to take all you say with the requisite sprinkling of sugar.
Thanks for reading!
is it just me or is there some chemistry between our host and "Cruel but fair"??!?!?
You mean, like Remington Steele had with Laura? Well, maybe. But there was chemistry also between Sherlock Holmes and the evil Dr. Moriarty, and between Batman and Catwoman, and even between Dr. Szell and the Babe. Love and hate are divided by a fine line.
Anyway, I don't think the host ever forgave me for making disparaging remarks about her male indian friends. Even though--as I don't know them personally--my sentiments remained harmlessly in the abstract.
If I had really been a troll I would not have let that argument die. But, as with so many of my opinions, once I have my say, I am satisfied to have made my point.
I've no axes to grind. I agree with her that my opinions can fairly well be ignored. But sometimes I do provide useful info or tips on style.
I just think any site needs a devil's advocate. Let the people be heard! The voice of the public! She may not agree with my opinions, but she should defend to the death, my (democratic) right to utter them. I'd do the same for any of you, if this were my blog.
Remember, even dead things have their uses. (bonus pts: what hayley mills movie was THAT from?)
signed, Cruel/Fair
Folks,
Let's not get carried away with the chemistry card...your host is hardly sinking to the depths of requisite depravity to concede any such thing.
Unlesss, of course, Fairly Cruel bears a striking resemblence to Pierce Brosnan from his Remi days--hubba hubba, people!
PS: Attacking me is fair game...leave my people out of it--I say again.
I'm not big on forgiveness...call it a quirk!
Yeah. We all know how depraved people on the INTERNET are. Always be on your guard. Sheeeesh.
Anyway, I try to attack concepts and ideas rather than people. I wouldn't criticize anyone on this site if I knew them personally, but since all I see is abstract encapsulations of host/her friends, well that lends itself only to my detached opionizing.
In real life, I am exceedingly polite and good-natured. I might roll my eyes occasionally, of course, at notions such as 'sorority rushes'. . .
As for Pierce Brosnan, I am not quite as tall as he is, but I carry myself with the same confidence, ha ha. And I am as lean.
Uh oh, TMI alert
Cruelo...
Polite in real life--hard to buy.
I'm sure your assinine commentary doesn't keep you from getting..ahem..laid. Kudos! A real accomplishment in Manhattan for a jerk to get play--truly remarkable. How do you do it?
Tsk tsk. Host is forgetting what I mentioned about stereotypes. No one is %100 bad. Its too bad you wont credit this, but in real life I am a good egg. Anyone can confirm this.
Its just on the internet that I sometimes fail to be diplomatic and instead, revert to blunt delivery.
I may be curt and grating, yes.. but never asinine. If there is ever a true debate/exchange of ideas on your blog, you will see that I can always support my opinions. This is a facility I am famous for. If I say something, its because I know I can prove it as a truism.
For instance, I dropped the debate on indian men because I could see it really irked you. It didn't mean I didn't have a rebuttal.
Anyway, with me hanging around lately, you have someone to really be 'Vicious' to. Otherwise people would wonder if that claim was just self-aggrandizement. Too often, you're like, 95% Sweet, 5% Vicious. Your blog title implies a more even measure! So I am your ombudsman. Keeping you on track with your Mission Statement.
p.s. As I said, no one finds me a jerk or a cad, off-line. Therefore, you're wrong, it hasn't been at all easy for me to get laid in NYC. Tomorrow night is a signal event!
That's because the women here aren't allowed to behave normally--as I know they do in other towns where it's less of a rat-race (and where my rate of success is much higher).
Nice guys finish last in this town. If you refuse to play the games, that is. Guess I'm just stubborn that way. I usually just wait till I visit my true hometown . . where the girls aren't as materialistic and snooty.
Sorry for the long-winded post. . .
Crue,
What's with the self-defense?
Aren't you supposed to lap up the vicious side which you so aptly bring out? Here I thought I was actually giving you what you wanted and you go all soft-nice-guy on me...what's a vicious girl to do but revert to sweet?
Oh, Cru, another thing...don't hate on the NYC types--they're at home in all their cosmopolitan materialism...live and let live.
Happy hometown Humping!
Well, just as my name implies: I don't mind cruelty if it is delivered fairly.
I am more about facts and logic and accurate perceptions than I am just a reactionary. I don't mind getting bashed on this blog, because I did some bashing when I first arrived.
But the topic of our metropolis, and the dating scene, etc: that is an objective discussion and I wanted to clear up any confusion over where I stand.
I coulda tried to play the jerk, but it would have been lying and lying is for fools. It also would have skewed all my subsequent remarks on the subject.
In truth, I don't mind being proved I am wrong on something--anything. If someone can show me that I don't have correct information (on which I am basing an opinion) I will gladly shake their hand for setting me straight.
Trouble is, I know too much for my own good. Ivy league (master's) degrees tend to do that. A sense that one has paid one's dues. I am way to damn cocky. But I paid for it that's for sure. Didn't skate through and didn't party at frat houses. . .
uh oh, TMI alert once again. sorry. Reverting to cretin mode. . .
ugh...nothing is less appealing than an ivy-drop. In poor taste, Cru...such poor taste.
no credit due me for not unleashing this bombshell until now? or that I put myself through school with no help from any family?
to me, it doesn't matter because i hardly ever do mention it. i was not all that impressed by the fancy school, when I was there. i was the only student in my class, in fact, who didnt come from money.
the degree opens doors for me but I was reading sarte and kierkegaard at age 12. so, no biggie.
Get over yourself. No, seriously!
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